The first full week of 2016 is coming to a close so you know I have to ask: how are your resolutions coming along? Well, someone needs to pick up the slack here because it seems that the world has already dropped the ball with it’s resolution to be less cray cray. From attention-seeking world leaders to temperamental militias, it sure has been an interesting week to kick off the year!
North Korea Punched The H-Bomb Out Of This One
In another attempt to look grown up, Kim Jong Un is throwing a tantrum and claiming that he can play with the big boys too. The North Korean leader has always wanted to be taken seriously and now in his latest bought of rhetoric he claims that they have developed and successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, which is much more powerful and destructive than an atomic bomb. When the Americans got word of this they were skeptical because, much like when a child lies to his mother, North Korea is a fibber. The US claims that they see right through those big honest puppy-dog eyes that Kim is trying to flash them. I think it’s time to put North Korea in another time out; what do you think?
The Day We Will Discover Jon Snow’s Fate!!
Speaking of tyrannical dictators, Game of Thrones has finally announced the release date for their new season! HBO’s highest ranked series will be returning on, drum roll please, April 24th at 9pm! So get those tissues ready because we will finally find out the true fate of our beloved Jon Snow. Much like the rest of the world, I’m still in denial. Let’s all hope that no more favorite characters are brutally murdered because I know I can’t take anymore of it!
Anti-Government Protesters Flip The Government The Bird
Get out the pitchforks boys; it’s militia time! A group in Oregon claims that all land should belong to the people, not the government. In order to make their point clear, they have taken over, no not the state house and not the capitol either, but a national bird sanctuary. A piece of land that actually originally belonged to the Paiute Native American tribe before it was given to these pesky birds. Really people? Plus, if you were thinking about taking someplace over, you should have gone for Portland. That way we could get a cool Portlandia episode out of it, but who knows maybe you’re all bird enthusiasts.
Donald Trump Sandwich Is Really Full Of It
A lunch spot in Burlington, VT has created the Donald Trump sandwich and I must say, this one is spot on. Let me walk you through it because it has the same amount of depth as the Trumpster himself. Grab two slices of bread, but don’t you dare go near that wheat or pumpernickel because you don’t know where they’ve been. Pick out nice, wholesome white bread even if it’ll go right to your hips because that’s just the American way. Now, take an entire package of bologna and pour it all onto the sandwich. Press down really hard so that the bread has ripples in it, much like Donald’s hair, and there you have it your very own Donald Trump sandwich and it's only $20.16.
China’s Going Down Down Down
Oh China you were doing so well and just owning everyone in the financial world, but alas, all good things must come to an end. China devalued their currency in an attempt to raise their stock market, but of course it just made everything worse. So what do you do when bae isn’t responding how you’d like them to? You shut it down, which is exactly what China did with the market this week. Of course, this just made the situation more extreme. So now the Americans are grabbing their money and heading for the hills because no one wants to be in that relationship.
What a roundup for this week! I guess we'll just have to wait until next week to see how everything plays out.